Theo has an alter ego. Well, not so much alter. This time last week, he started refusing to answer to his name. Because Thelonious Monk isn’t a cool enough name apparently. It was plenty cool enough for the first Thelonious Monk, mind. But not for Theo. Excuse me. Not Theo. Lexington. Lexington Hardbiscuit 2000.
Lexington Hardbiscuit 2000 is a futuristic sexlord. First name Lexington, surname Hardbiscuit. The 2000 is to make it futuristic.
“The year 2000 happened ages ago, Theo.”
“Thank you. Yes, I know what year it is, Deirdre. I just think there is something intrinsically futuristic about the number 2000. I think it is the three zeroes.”
“I am NOT saying your name again.”
“and FYI, there is NO such thing as a Sexlord.”
“FYI, there totes is.”
“What is it then?”
“What is a sexlord….?” His small face grew serious, and he stared up high above the ramparts of Castle Von Guinea “…What is a Sexlord?”
“That is my question, yes.”
Let me finish. Rude. Anyway. A Sexlord is an adventurer voyaging on the cusp of a dream through time and sex. A sexlord is he who will ALWAYS have a girlfriend. A sexlord is cool. He is not as other Guinea Pigs. He is not as William. He is better.”
“William had a time machine first, you know…” It is true. Lexington’s time-machine isn’t even his. It’s just William’s with a hastily nibbled sign stuck on it with Sellotape. The sign says “This time machine belongs to Lexington Hardbiscuit 2000, Sexlord, poet and erotic adventurer. It only LOOKS like William’s time-machine.” So far the sign has worked.
“Ah, but did William have a time-machine in the context of being a noble Sexlord? As one of my brethren, the dashing highwaymen of time and sex? Because if he didn’t he will never be as cool as me. I am the coolest guinea pig. Everyone loves me. I am not Theo anymore. I am Lexington Hard Biscuit 2000.” His mouth opens a little as he looks at me. He hopes he has me there, though he knows his triumph will be but a fleeting thing, suspended, as if in amber, till the sign he has made falls off the time machine and William realizes that there was only ever one time-machine and it was his and Theo has been lying. But until that day, he will roam, indolent and brave, full of vigor and sleaze through time and sex itself. THESE ARE THE VOYAGES OF LEXINGTON HARDBISCUIT 2000. Long may he roam.